Lurkers and Intruders: What Men Need to Know about their Wives and Sex ~ Part Two

15 Nov

I do not want to write this post – as evidenced by my couple weeks of radio silence (except for that unfortunate accidental sales pitch the other day). I knew I wasn’t going to want to write it, so I used a Jedi mind trick on myself (except without the Jedi part) by calling my earlier post “Part One”. I am infinitely grateful that I wasn’t stupid enough to call it “Part One of Three”.

I’m committed to finishing this. But instead of being all mature and classy, I’m going to run in the opposite direction and take the awkwardness to a level previously unknown to mankind. (Oh wait. Rob Ford holds all rights to that. I’ll have to dial it back a bit.)  I will do this via innuendo, double entendre, and song lyrics.

Let us proceed.

(That, gentlemen, is not a great sentence to get things started in the bedroom.)

(Neither is “I’m committed to finishing this.” The intention may be admirable, but you could step up the romance.)

Okay, we previously discussed The Lurkers. They are like flies buzzing around the periphery. They’re annoying, but half the battle in dealing with them is simply understanding how your wife’s brain works. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed some mind-blowing…discussions…about this in the last couple of weeks.

Today we’re going to address The Intruders. Unlike The Lurkers, The Intruders really get in the way. Look, I have another picture for you. (Don’t worry. This is as visually graphic as it’s going to get around here.)


If your wife can’t get no satisfaction, (and I’m assuming you would like to have a hand in correcting that situation), you may have one or more Intruders to deal with. Either one of you may have brought these Intruders along for the ride, but you’re going to have to tackle them together. It takes two to make a thing go right. Or it might take three. These Intruders are monsters, and you may need reinforcements as you engage them in battle. I am here to encourage you in that direction, but I myself am not a counselor or therapist, nor a pastor, nor any kind of expert by any stretch of the imagination.  If your Intruders are bigger than you can cope with on your own, please find someone who can help you. It is so worth the embarrassment and expense of getting the Intruders out of the way. (So-oh-oh! worth it.)

Let’s kick things off with Intruder #1. Sexual sin. That sounds like a fun place to start, doesn’t it? This includes anything from previous sexual relationships, extra-marital relationships, porn and even lust. I can’t even scratch the surface of the damage done by sexual sin. The Bible tells us that sexual sin is more damaging to us than any other kind of sin. It eats away at our soul. Men, that might sound a bit extreme to you. Your ability to compartmentalize and segregate makes it a lot easier for you to label pornography as your own thing that has nothing to do with your wife or your marriage. Please believe me when I say this: porn is deeply, deeply hurtful to your wife. It is intimately invasive. It makes her feel unloved, inadequate, judged, exposed (in a sickening way), and cheated on. You may feel like your lustful glance at that centrefold is light-years removed from your emotional attachment to your cherished wife, but your cherished wife feels completely crushed that you have invited that centrefold right into the middle of your sex life.

Please don’t argue with me about your intentions or try to explain the magnitude of temptation out there. That’s not my point. If you love your wife, if you want to be intentional about cherishing her, if you are vehemently opposed to deliberately hurting her, you need to run – RUN! – from anything porn-related.

And if either of you has baggage from another relationship (or your relationship with each other before you got married) that has damaged your intimacy in some way, deal with it! I don’t mean suck it up and move on. I mean sit down and lay it out and get Christian counsel and have the tough conversations including repentance and forgiveness. You have to force yourself through the trudging and painful process of healing. Together. It takes two, baby.

Intruder #2 is sexual abuse. Statistically speaking, the odds are pretty high that your wife has had some sort of unwanted sexual attention at some point in her life. The natural inclination of your compartmentalizing man-brain is probably to assume that it’s over, it’s dealt with, it’s no longer a factor. And you are probably wrong. It may be over; it may even be dealt with to an extent. But it is always going to be a factor and therefore, it may need to be dealt with repeatedly. That damage has left a scar, and that scar has created an Intruder that will pop up unpredictably. There are probably words or suggestions or positions that trigger that Intruder to hop into bed with you. Talk about those triggers. You might have to completely avoid some of them. OR there’s a possibility that you could reclaim them from the Dark Side. Again, if you work TOGETHER through the healing process, you might be able to instill new (happy and pleasant) associations into those former triggers.

Ugh, I’m already over 800 words. This is not going as quickly as I’d hoped. (Another sentence to avoid in the bedroom.) Let’s wrap this up so I can go get some lunch. (There’s another one. Okay, I’m finished now.) (Oops, I did it again.)

Intruder #3.  Illness, injury or other physical limitations. There may be something purely physical that is preventing your wife from gaining the summit. Talk to a doctor. Get some medication. Get some lube (or just some coconut oil if you’re afraid to run into someone you know in that section of the grocery  store). It could be a simple fix or it could be more complicated. But the bottom line is this: if your pleasure causes her pain, shame on you. You need to love your wife sacrificially and take her pain (or even her intruding discomfort) as your own. Tackle it together. Slowly (There’s a key word if ever there was one!).  But don’t be dismissive about it and don’t let her be an embarrassed martyr about it.

There. I’ve said too much and not nearly enough. This is just a conversation starter. But the conversation is not meant to be between you and me. It’s for you and your spouse. Please take my rambling tidbits of personal opinion and random information and talk amongst yourselves. Ready, set, go! (You can use that sentence if you don’t mind getting slapped.  I don’t want to know about it.)


Posted by on November 15, 2013 in Marriage


Tags: , , ,

2 responses to “Lurkers and Intruders: What Men Need to Know about their Wives and Sex ~ Part Two

  1. Tammy Bull

    November 15, 2013 at 4:14 PM

    my oh my

  2. Jcm Manuel

    November 17, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    This is serious stuff. No playground here, and I’m not sure if I should comment. But maybe it is helpful to put a spoke in your wheel here – in a gentle way mind you (not when you’re full speed, and I make sure it’s on the grassland). I do agree with #1 (although there is a difference between hard porn which is flat out disgusting to most decent people, and a stylish kind of ‘sexy pose’ porn, which others would call just ‘sexy’, which may be a thing both lovers may like, especially if they are each other’s subject of attention, with mutual respect). I also wouldn’t call it ‘sin’ but that may just be semantics (although not unimportant, in a modern world like we’re living in). I would say this is a matter of respect – and respect is the basis for all true love I think. Where ‘sin’ will often sub-consciously remind people of an old story called ‘the fall’ (which not even 2 percent of people still believe was literally true I guess – a number which will diminish until point zero), what people do realize is the empathy-erosion factor as we understand our ‘human state’ today, and this danger is still around, and it may always be there. Empathy, like love, starts with awareness of ‘otherness’ in a respectful manner. But also with curiosity – which may incite ‘desires’ (which require self-control), and there we have another train of events which could go off the rails quickly, unless we educate ourselves, as we should always do.

    The respect factor is also connected to your #3 of course (with which I can only agree). I’m not sure what to think of “loving sacrificially” – it depends of the situation, I know about people caged for life just because of socio-religious peer pressure that ‘things should work’ – but if there is love, and then limitations, okay I think I get that. But love would deal with this and I don’t think it would fit within terms of ‘sacrifice’, or at least not entirely. Anyway, I think I get that.

    #2 seems obvious. It may be tough. Sometimes it seems like some things never heal. Therapy, yes – not necessarily Christian therapy, but certainly real therapy, by someone with expertise and knowing what’s really going on inside, as far as science (the social sciences in particular) can tell us.

    You are courageous, writing about this stuff.


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